I’m not quite sure where life is going these days. I’m being confronted by a lot of things: my upcoming trip to New York, my love of life in Berlin, and mostly, how long I want that life in Berlin to continue.
On the one hand, my life is hugely successful here. I live in an apartment I love, I work from home, I get to sleep. My acting career is fairly successful here: I have a manager, I was cast in a play within my first two weeks here, and I was just hired to join an improv troupe in Berlin- a regular theatre gig.
I’m also doing things I’ve wanted to do but never had the guts or the time to do in New York, mainly, teaching acting. I also have a good gig teaching English and presentation skills at a graphic design company. I get to work on my art every single day, and I do.
Yet there’s a huge part of me that feels a certain longing to return to New York. I miss having consistent auditions. I keep feeling like I’m sacrificing something by coming here, which is not true at all. To have Berlin on my resume when I come back is going to be a huge boon for me, and I feel like my career is going to be so much stronger when I return.
For one thing, I’m going to make sure that I dedicate more time to it. No more working all the time. I want my life in New York to be closer to my life here, where I can create opportunities for myself. That will be more difficult in New York, because New York is lots more expensive, and I’m going to have to make more to cover my rent.
For me, it’s all a question of opportunities these days. My boyfriend has some huge career opportunities in his job here that he wants to take advantage of, which would mean a long term commitment here that I’m not sure I can make.
So then the question becomes my heart versus my head. Which do I want to be happy? And is it possible to have both satisfied at once?
I don’t want to return to the past. I don’t want to be constantly exhausted, and working on my acting but not working enough. I can be better than I was. I can do better than I did, and I’m aware of that. And I want to come back to New York and fight for the career that I want.
These are choices that I never thought I would have in life. I thought I was on a straight path, struggling in New York for the rest of my life. Suddenly, in this move, the world has been opened up to me and I feel like I no longer know what path I’m on or what I want, because I want everything. Life, love, travel, an acting career.
Is there a way to have it all?